This week has been a shocker. My stress levels, IBS, and blood sugars have all run amok. And yesterday, coming home from work on a Friday, with a host of fun social engagements planned for the weekend to combat my crappy week, I started to feel flu’y (totally a word). But it’s been the last straw, and probably a much needed rattle to my current mentality. I woke up this morning thinking that I would have to stay in bed, get some rest, be bored, be miserable, be sick, lonely & miss out on everything that I had planned. But then I thought, maybe there’s a middle ground here, maybe I don’t need to play the victim, maybe I can have my cake and eat it too. Maybe I can stop feeling sorry for myself, and start looking after myself – better than I think I have been. I realised that I’m not just sick of being sick, and sick of feeling sick, but mostly I’m sick of ‘thinking sick’ – in an attempt to put my health first lately, I seem to have lost a lot of the fun in my life. In an attempt to accept things, I seem to have become complacent with this icky place I’m in. Allowing the laziness, due to lack of energy, because my specialist can only see me next month and this is just for now, this is temporary, this is accepting things. Bulls**t. This is laying down your sword, this is giving in and playing the victim. Yes, I have no idea what causes my IBS to flare up, and that seems to wreak havoc on my body & my blood sugars. But just because I have no answers in the form of laboratory tests or a diagnosis, doesn’t mean I can’t listen to my body, make my own mind up, pave my own way. I have given all control of my body, my life, my future plans to doctors, and specialists and lab results. No wonder I’m miserable and second guessing it all at the moment, I’ve never had too much luck with any of those before, not reliably or consistently. Not in a way that I need. That’s only going to come from me, I can see that now – I think I’ve had a much needed ‘light bulb’ moment.
I feel like lately I have literally become a shell of myself. And I know that it’s not as easy as resorting to the old me, she’s in the past. She was pre-this journey. But I feel like perhaps I’ve laid all of her to bed, or to rest, when that’s probably the worst thing I could’ve done, no matter how great my intentions were. It’s time to rediscover old parts of me, and get in touch with the new me. Awaken certain parts of myself that have been put to rest. Get her up, get her moving, get her out of bed! Now, if only she could turn the television off… 😉